Misadventures with the Doctor
by Noofle
Summary: Just meant to be a collection of short stories about some misadventures with the Doctor and Brittany, my own companion. Born one day late at night, so don't say I didn't warn you...
1. Cookies

**Cookies**

"Doctor!"

Upon hearing his name called, the Doctor pulled up the grating on the TARDIS floor and busied himself with ripping out wires and circuit boards.

"Doctor!"

He winced as his name rang out again, burying himself deeper into the tangle of cables and flashing lights.

"Doctor, I know it was you!" Brittany barged into the console room, one hand on her hip, the other clutching a ceramic jar in the shape of a black llama.

The Doctor popped his head up from beneath the floor, hair askew. "Who, me?" he said, pretending not to know what she was talking about.

Brittany narrowed her eyes. "Yes, you."

The Doctor ducked back into the part of the TARDIS he had been working on, trying to get away from Brittany's fierce glare. "Couldn't be."

"Doctor," Brittany warned, moving around the room until she was standing right over him. "I know it was you."

The Doctor took a deep breath, and pulled himself out of the workspace. "Okay, I stole the cookies from the cookie jar!" he wailed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, but they looked so delicious and, well…" He trailed off, and had the grace to look embarrassed.

Brittany burst out laughing. "A Time Lord! Reduced to stealing cookies? You ate the whole bloody jar!" She roared with laughter, and left the room.

The Doctor stood still for a moment, before frowning. "But they tasted so nice," he reassured himself.

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**A/N: If you haven't read my other stories, you won't understand who Brittany is, and might not understand some of the references, but please enjoy anyway. This story was born while I was thinking up new, and increasingly complicated ways, to kill writer's block. So now, whenever I can't think of anything to write for my other stories, I'll just add another chapter to this. Problem solved!**


	2. Pockets, Pockets

**Pockets, Pockets**

"Quickly Doctor, quickly!"

The Doctor glanced at Brittany. "I'm trying!" he shouted, digging frantically through his pockets. "It's hard to find things when your pockets are bigger on the inside." He yanked a length of uncoiled cable that was probably at least five metres long out of his coat pocket, followed by a fly swat and a whole lettuce.

"Doctor, they're almost here!" Brittany yelled, tugging frantically on the Time Lord's sleeve.

"I know!" he replied, pulling a world map out of his pocket. "I just can't find it!"

Brittany rolled her eyes. "Tell me that after they've ripped us to shreds."

"No need to get angry," the Doctor retorted, handing Brittany a carrot. "Here hold this."

Brittany looked at the carrot in annoyance. "How is a carrot going to help us fight off the horde of Genghis Khan?"

"I don't know, just hold it," moaned the Doctor, wishing that, just for once, he wouldn't pick up a companion that would question his every action. It was only a carrot, for Rassilon's sake! The Doctor plunged his hand back into his pocket, his arm disappearing all the way up to the elbow. "It must be in here somewhere," he muttered.

"I hope that you've found it, because we just ran out of time," Brittany said, backing into the door of the blue police box behind her. The Doctor turned, and pressed his back up against the door of the TARDIS.

An entire squadron on Mongol warriors had chosen that moment to come around the corner of the alleyway, spears levelled at the two time travellers. "I'm sure there must have been some misunderstanding," the Doctor started to say, but Brittany cut him off.

"I have a weapon!" she cried, pointing the carrot at the Mongol warriors, who all took a step backwards, unsure of whether this was a threat or a joke.

"Got it!" shouted the Doctor as he slid the TARDIS key into the lock on the door.

Brittany chucked the carrot at the nearest warrior. "About time!" she shouted, yanking the Doctor inside the TARDIS.

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**A/N: the trouble with having pockets that are bigger on the inside...**


	3. Dangerous Doors

**Dangerous Doors**

With a laugh, the Doctor dragged open another door. "You should have seen your face when it roared! Priceless," he chuckled, walking towards the next door in the corridor.

Jack Harkness jogged to catch up to the Time Lord. "I was surprised, that's all," he said indignantly.

"Surprised, you?" The Doctor laughed. "I'd say you were scared."

"What? No! No, of course I wasn't scared. I don't get scared."

Brittany prodded Jack in the arm. "And, then when it started breathing fire…"

Jack frowned. "Maybe a little bit scared," he admitted reluctantly. Then he rallied against the stream of insults coming from the Doctor and Brittany. "But you were scared too!"

"Maybe," the Doctor said. "But did I freeze? No, I didn't."

Brittany shrugged. "It wasn't that bad. I've seen worse."

Jack stared at them, his mouth open. "But it was a bloody dragon! A bloody giant fire-breathing dragon! How was I supposed to prepare for a great big fire-breathing dragon?"

The Doctor laughed again, and opened the next door. He stopped dead in his tracks. "Jack, you know what you were saying about a fire-breathing dragon?"

"Yeah…"

"I think I just found another one."

Brittany peered over the Time Lord's shoulder. "Or two."

"Or three."

"Or five."

"It looks like about twenty to me."

"Twenty-five," corrected the Doctor.

Jack quickly did the math. "So, we're in a long corridor, with no exits apart than this one, and the one past that other fire-breathing dragon."

"Yup," the Doctor confirmed.

"So, we're screwed."

"We are so screwed."

"Cussing," the Doctor reminded his two human companions.

The nearest dragon noticed the three figures standing in the doorway. It roared.

Jack said something extremely rude that the Doctor would never have expected even the captain to say. And he couldn't agree more.


	4. Pastimes

**Pastimes**

"Okay," the Doctor whispered. "Get ready to run." He stretched out his hand for the small white button.

Jack clamped a hand onto the Time Lord's arm. "Are you sure you want to do this? It could be dangerous."

The Doctor gave him a reassuring smile. "Danger is my middle name," he pointed out, before frowning. "Actually, it's incorrigible, but never mind that." He wiggled his over-active fingers. "It's time to do it."

Jack nodded resolutely, and took a step back. "Do what you have to do."

The Doctor took a deep breath, and pushed the small white button.

_Ding Dong._

"Run!" the Doctor cried, grabbing Jack by the arm, and pulling him down the garden path.

"Of all the pastimes you could have," Jack muttered under his breath, "it just had to be ringing doorbells then running away."


	5. Game Over

**Game Over**

With a screech bordering on the ultrasonic, the dragon swooped down over the fields, belching violent fire through the fields. A man in a long brown coat ran through the field, wheat stalks whipping at his face and tearing his clothes. He was running fast, but it was obvious that he wouldn't be able to outrun the creature chasing him.

Flames licked through the fields, chasing the Doctor as he sprinted for his life. The dragon screeched triumphantly, fast closing the distance between it and its prey.

The Doctor turned around just in time to see the flames coming towards him. Then he was gone, consumed within the raging inferno.

**Game Over.**

The Doctor stared at the words on the screen in disbelief. "This is why I hate video games," he muttered, turning off the computer. "You can't think up ingenious and brilliant plans at the last minute."

He kicked the computer on his way out of the room. "Stupid piece of junk."


	6. The Curse of the Gob

**The Curse of the Gob**

"Have you ever been to the planet Rushna?" the Doctor asked, skipping around the console, flipping various switches using his hands, elbows, and occasionally feet. "They have the most interesting language."

Brittany looked up from the Rubik's cube in her hands. "No Doctor, I haven't," she replied, almost boredly, returning her attention to her colourful puzzle.

The Doctor danced around the console a little more, giving the helmic regulator a few pumps on his way past. "We should go," he announced, punching in some co-ordinates. "You'd love it there. They have this big celebration where they have a huge bon fire that you can see from orbit. One year, they accidentally burnt up half a continent." He paused, thoughtful. "And before you ask, that had absolutely nothing to do with me."

With a barely audible pause for breath, the Doctor went on to elaborate on the planet's atmospheric content, general climate and galactic co-ordinate.

Brittany carefully placed the Rubik's cube on the seat next to her. "Doctor," she warned, "if you keep talking I'm sure my ears will fall off."

The Time Lord wasn't listening. "Then there was that situation they had with the killer bees. Funny day that was." He laughed at some distant memory. "I got stung in places they you really don't want to know about. And, those stings hurt like someone decided to pour all the geological fury from a volcano into one tiny insect."

Brittany snapped her hands to her ears. "Doctor…"

"Those stings burned for days! I had one right underneath my eye, and it went all…" He trailed off, frowning at Brittany. "What?"

"My ears Doctor!" she cried, pointing to the side of her head. "Look at my ears!"

The Time Lord frowned at her, peering closely at his companion. "I can't…oh look! I didn't know you did Rubik's cubes!" He picked up her completed puzzle, admiring every side individually.

Brittany carefully cupped her de-attached ears in her hands, and wandered off to the medical bay.


	7. Diplomatic Relations: Take One

**Diplomatic Relations: Take One**

The Sontaran squadron surrounded the two time travellers, training their laser guns on both the Doctor and Brittany.

"We surrender," cried the Doctor, sticking his hands up in the air.

"They look kind of like pumpkins," Brittany whispered.

The Doctor looked at her in exasperation. "Humans," he muttered, "what is it with humans and Sontarans?"


	8. Electrifying

**Electrifying**

There was a flash of light followed by a roll of thunder. Rain turned the fields into mud, leaving trees standing amidst the soggy ground as islands of refuge for meandering cows. The Doctor shifted his arm slightly, the long metal pole in his hand wavering in the wind. "That better?" he called down from his perch in the top of a tall oak tree.

Brittany checked the gauge strapped to the side of the TARDIS. "I still don't think this is a good idea," she shouted back, "but we're ready to go. Lightning strike in twenty seconds."

The Doctor grinned at her, and stretched his arm out as far as it would go, raising his metal pole by about another inch.

Lightning speared down out of the sky, striking the top of the pole with a resounding boom. The Doctor yelled with pain as thousands of volts of electricity coursed through his body, completing the circuit, and he fell out of the tree in a shower of sparks.

Behind Brittany, the TARDIS began to hum with power but she ignored it, instead running over to check on the Doctor. "Are you alright?"

He blinked blearily at her, eyes slightly crossed. "Look at all the pretty purple lights. Pretty pretty puuuurple lights!" He giggled.

Brittany slapped her forehead in exasperation. "Oh, great. Just great."

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**A/N: Extreme way to recharge the TARDIS...**


	9. Diplomatic Relations: Take Two

**Diplomatic Relations: Take Two**

Thousands of kilometres above the Earth, the Sontaran battle fleet moved into position, preparing to rain destruction onto the blue-green orb below. Down at UNIT headquarters in the Tower of London, Jack Harkness, the Doctor and the Brigadier watched as a video-link opened up, connecting them with the alien battleship.

"They look like wrinkly toads," Jack commented.

The Doctor dropped his head onto the desk in despair. "Why me?" he lamented, "why is it always me?"


	10. Vending Vandalism

**Vending Vandalism**

The vending machine towered over Brittany, tall and resolute. With a large logo splashed across the front, it was garish and an eyesore. It was also the only source of liquid sustenance for half a mile. The only problem was, Brittany had no money. The Doctor strolled over, half a baguette in his hand. "Mmfg gfm ghst," he said happily, through a mouthful of bread.

"English," Brittany pointed out.

He swallowed, and leant against the wall casually, tucking one leg behind the other. "This is good," he repeated waving the sandwich around. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a bottle of water," Brittany explained, kicking the vending machine in annoyance. "But I ain't got no moolah."

The Doctor reached into his pocket, and pulled his sonic screwdriver out, twiddling it idly between slender fingers. "Well, I don't normally do this kind of thing, but I suppose I could make an exception," he said, running the glowing blue device along the edge of the vending machine. "Easy enough to –" Sparks sprayed out of the machine and both of the time travellers ducked, arms protecting faces.

With a gloopy crumpling noise, half of the vending machine collapsed, turning into a puddle of melted metal mixed with lemonade.

"Woops, wrong setting," the Doctor muttered, slowly getting to his feet. "That's setting 2378. I needed 2379."

"Excuse me, sir."

The Doctor turned to see a security guard watching them warily. "I think you're gonna have to come with me."

"Don't worry," the Doctor exclaimed cheerily, pulling the psychic paper out of his pocket with a too-wide grin on his face. "We're professional vandals!"


	11. Diplomatic Relations: Take Three

**Diplomatic Relations: Take Three**

The Doctor and Brittany were strolling down a perfectly ordinary street in the middle of London, when the Time Lord's phone rang. It was UNIT.

"Hello?" he said, lifting the phone to his ear.

"Doctor, it's the Sontarans," came the response.

The Time Lord choked. "Those short baked-potato-heads again?" he spluttered.

"I can see who would win awards for diplomatic relations," Brittany laughed, making a point of jabbing the Doctor in the ribs.


	12. Drunken Sailor: Part One

**Drunken Sailor: Part One**

With a raucous cry, the Doctor staggered across the deck of the ship, bottle of rum in one hand, a stuffed toy parrot in the other. "What do you think Polly?" he slurred, wandering around in a tight circle, not entirely on purpose, "is this a vessel worthy of the mighty captain Smith?" He giggled, and took another swig from the rum. The bottle was half empty. Or half full, depending on your point of view. To the Doctor, however, it was just half. Stupid human psychology.

"Yes captain!" he crowed to himself with a high-pitched voice, waving the toy parrot about. "It certainly does!"

The Doctor stumbled, one foot tripping over the undone laces of the other. He fell down with a loud thump, the rum bottle tumbling out of his hand and rolling over the edge of the ship. The Doctor watched it go with dismay. "Look Polly, the rum's gone."

"Yes captain, it is," he squawked to himself in response.

Parrot clutched close to his chest, he dragged himself back to his feet. He swayed woozily, frowning when he became aware of what sounded like many rough voices singing.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor?"

The Doctor frowned at the dark figures that were appearing on all sides.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor?"

Pirates! This was a pirate ship! However, that revelation did nothing to help the Doctor sober up.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor, er-lye in the marning?"

The Doctor remained curious of the singing pirates until one of them grabbed him around the middle and slung him over a shoulder with hardly any effort. He cried out, and began to beat his fists against the large man's back.

"Throw 'im in the lockup 'til 'e's sober," the other pirates chorused, much to the Time Lord's dismay. "Throw 'im in the lockup 'til 'e's sober, throw 'im in the lockup 'til 'e's sober, er-lye in the marning!" All the pirates disappeared below deck, taking the Doctor and his parrot with them.

Brittany smirked from her vantage point on the docks.

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**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Send me a review to let me know. Also, if anyone has ideas for oneshots I can write (any companion, any Doctor), tell me, and I'll try my hardest. And if the title wasn't a dead giveaway, there are going to be more parts to this, and if anyone knows any more verses for the song, send them to me too!**


	13. Alone

**A/N: WARNING! Contains spoilers for series 4! A bit melancholy, but I felt like writing it.

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Alone

Sir Doctor of TARDIS, last of the Time Lords, man from Gallifrey, defender of time. The TARDIS was empty once again, lights dimmer than usual. There were times when he just wished he could settle down, like when he tried to save the Master on the Valient, or after he lost his Jenny. But it never could be. It never could happen. He lived for excitement, for the danger of adventuring around the universe in a little blue box. And even if he wanted to settle down, it wasn't possible. The universe needed him. When the Time Lords were still alive, when Gallifrey was still in the heavens, he would have been able to, but not anymore. The Time Lords had kept the universe safe, made sure that everything worked as it should, and with them all gone, that task fell to him.

Sometimes he wondered whether it was worth t, whether continuing to travel was worth all the heartbreak. Losing the Time Lords was one thing, but losing everyone he travelled with was something else. There was Rose, trapped in a parallel universe. Martha, gone because he didn't take any notice of her. Donna, his fiery independent Donna, memory wiped by him, back to how she had been before he had met her. There was no one now. No one for him to go back to; all his friend had their own lives to be getting on with. The TARDIS was the one companion that would never leave him.

The scanner beeped at him, flashing a dangerous mauve. The Doctor watched as the heavily armed warship streaked down towards the planet below, locking onto Cardiff. "Here we go again," he muttered to the silent room, "let's go save the world."

He released the handbrake with a certain amount of reluctance.


	14. Drunken Sailor: Part Two

**Drunken Sailor: Part Two**

The Doctor was huddled in the corner of his straw covered cell when he heard the singing again. He didn't know what they would do this time, but last time he had heard that song, the pirates had thrown him in this very cell. Unfortunately, putting him in the 'lockup' was not helping him become 'sober'.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor?"

The Doctor clutched Polly parrot close to his chest, watching the slightly blurry door with worry.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor?"

He wasn't even a sailor! How could they subject him to this? You know, that piece of straw looks awfully like a horse.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor, er-lye in the marning?"

The door flew open, revealing a group of grinning pirates. Or was it pink hippopotamuses? No, it was definitely pirates. With no more mention of song, they hauled him out of the cell, with much protest on his part, and up onto the deck. The sun was just slipping up over the horizon, tinting the clouds a faint pink, but the Doctor didn't notice the picturesque scene. The light hurt his eyes.

One of the pirates held him steady, while another advanced towards with what looked like a feather duster in his hand.

"Tickle down below wit' a feather duster, tickle down below wit' a feather duster, tickle down below wit' a feather duster, er-lye in the marning!"

The Doctor's eyes widened in shock. "No, no, please no." He squirmed around, but couldn't free himself. The feather duster came closer and closer, homing in on his bare feet.

"No, please don't. No, no no no….no, stop it, hehehe stop it, that tickles, stop, please, hehe stop, hehehehehahahaha no, no, oh, please stop, tickles, tickles!" By that stage he was laughing so hard tears were running down his face. "That tickles, stop!"


	15. Deleted Scene: The Horrors of Chocolate

**A/N: This chapter is for anyone who wants to know what actually happened between chapters 15 and 16 of Forest of Shadows when the TARDIS crew head to a planet made of chocolate. Well, here it is...Go get your spoons, because there is an awful lot of melted chocolate to be had...

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Deleted Scene: The Horrors of Chocolate

Spinning on a circular orbit around a red star was the planet Cacao, which was, believe it or not, a planet made entirely of chocolate. Hot, molten chocolate made up the core, while layers of heavily compressed milk and dark chocolate formed the crust. The mountain ranges were over 85% cocoa solids, which made them full of anti-oxidants and very good for you in small doses. The planet was capped with white chocolate polar icecaps, and even had its own weather systems.

The TARDIS materialised halfway up a white-capped mountain, screeching in protest at the Doctor's choice of parking space. The Time Lord in question completely ignored his ship's annoyance, being too busy showing off to the others. He stepped out of the TARDIS into a field of minty fresh grass. Jack, Sandra and Brittany followed, all a little tentative at first.

"The planet Cacao!" the Doctor cried, frolicking around in the mint-scented air. "A world made completely of chocolate, with whole worlds of minty fresh trees!"

Sandra looked around in wonder. "You mean, I'm standing on a different planet? An actual real different planet?"

"Oh yes!" the Doctor shouted, already fifty, metres away and getting ever more distant. "Although this should be tourist season. I wonder where everyone is?"

"Never mind that," Brittany said happily. "We're on a planet made of chocolate." She eyed a nearby boulder greedily.

"Now, you don't know where it's been," Jack pointed out with a chuckle, watching as the Doctor began to skip once he was one hundred metres away. "We better catch up with him, he's having far too much fun."

The Doctor was indeed having fun; he felt carefree and happy to be alive. He had brought Donna here, and knowing her, she hadn't truly appreciated it, but for the Doctor, this planet held no bitter memories. The only thing that was bothering him was the tourist, or rather, lack thereof. It should be the height of tourist season, and yet, the place was deserted. Sure, there was a whole planet to visit, but there wasn't one straggler in sight.

The three humans and one alien were halfway down the mountain when the first faint rumble reached them. The Doctor was the only one who felt the initial shockwave, but when he pointed at the top of the so-called 'mountain', the other three began to worry.

"Umm, Doctor," Jack said rather nervously, watching as thick, brown smoke billowed out of the top of the mountain. "Do you remember what I said to you when we first met about setting your alarm clock?"

The Doctor nodded slowly as the smell of super-heated chocolate reached them. "Yes. Volcano day."

Brittany and Sandra glanced at each other. Oh dear…

There was a moment of silence, where the world just seemed to stop. Then the top of the mountain blew up. Chocolate fountained up out of the, spraying outwards like a superheated viscous geyser. Molten chocolate began to pour down the sides of the volcano, swamping entire fields of minty grass.

The Doctor watched in horror. So that's why there were no tourists. He should have listened to the TARDIS's warnings when they landed. "The TARDIS!" he realised, and, against all common sense, he began to run up the volcano. "She's still up there. We need to get in!"

Crazy though it was, the three humans followed him, mainly because the TARDIS was their only way out, but also because they had done things far crazier earlier today. Or tonight. With time travel, it was difficult to tell.

The TARDIS was sitting where they had left it in the field of grass, seemingly not worried about the oncoming deluge. They were one hundred metres away from the spaceship, but so was the chocolate, and it was moving much faster than they were.

"Back!" the Doctor shouted, spinning on his heels and bolting back down the hill. They were never going to get away, but running would at least buy them some time.

The chocolate was an unstoppable elemental force, sweeping up the TARDIS like a piece of driftwood dancing on the crest of a wave. The Doctor slowed when he 'felt' the TARDIS swept up over the telepathic link, and that proved to be a very bad move.

The surge caught him first, sucking at his ankles before pulling him deep into the thick liquid. Everything was dark, he couldn't see, chocolate filled his mouth and ears, then he surfaced, gasping and choking for breath. Brittany was spluttering barely five metres away, and he made for her with strong, steady strokes. Swimming through chocolate was like swimming in slow motion. He expected that swimming through maple syrup would be a similar experience, and he had been meaning to go to the Syrup Swimming Contest on Terra II for a long time.

He clung to Brittany as the torrent of chocolate roared down the slope. Jack and Sandra were off to his right, the captain pulling the woman along with a strong freestyle swim.

"I've changed my mind Doctor," Brittany gasped, treading chocolate, "I never want to see chocolate ever again."

"Come on," he replied, spotting the TARDIS bobbing along in the tide. He started to swim towards it, arms burning with the effort of pushing him through the thick liquid. Brittany couldn't keep up, and he was forced to drag her along behind him.

After what seemed like an eternity, they reached the TARDIS and found Jack and Sandra already there, clinging to the blue box just to stay afloat. The Doctor reached into his pocket, looking for his key, and was dismayed to find his pockets full of chocolate.

While the Time Lord was busy trying to find his key, Jack glanced over his shoulder at the top of the volcano. "You know, when I normally think of volcanoes, I think 'burning agonising death'. I thought we would have been fried by the chocolate," he mused, flicking a piece of said substance at Brittany. "Why weren't we?"

The Doctor paused, and pointed at the top of the volcano. "Because this is just melted chocolate. Chocolate melted by that, in fact."

While the chocolate they were floating (stretching the term a bit there) in was a normal chocolately brown colour, the new wave coming down from the top of the volcano was glowing cherry red, evaporating the normal chocolate before they even touched.

"Faster!" Brittany shouted, wishing that she had a key of her own. "I don't want to die by molten chocolate!"

"I'm trying!" The Doctor withdrew a small key from his pocket, and flourished it in triumph. "Ah-hah! Gotcha!" He started to fumble with the lock, struggling to fit the chocolate covered key into the chocolate filled lock. The magma/chocolate was coming closer, towering over them in an arching wave.

"Got it!" the Doctor cried, a wave of chocolate sweeping him and the three humans into the console room. As soon as they were inside, Jack and the Time Lord forced the door shut, preventing anything else from getting inside. Then, the Doctor leaped at the console.

"Hold on to something!" he shouted as the world tilted crazily. Jack grabbed the hatstand by the door as the wall became the floor, legs dangling out over empty space. He was glad that at some previous point in time, the Doctor had decided to make his hatstand TARDIS proof. Brittany caught the railing around the console as she fell past Jack, while Sandra hugged one of the organic orange pillars, as if her life depended on it.

The Doctor's leap carried him through the air before gravity took hold, but he managed to catch his fingers on the edge of the console. He crawled up the round structure and sat atop it, setting the coordinates with a few quick presses from his toes. "Hold on," he instructed as he released the handbrake. All four of them went flying across the room as gravity returned to the norm.


	16. Tricksters

**A/N: My first ninth Doctor fic. That's gotta be a important moment. Let's all have a minute's silence.....hey look, a pony! *runs off after pony*

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Tricksters

Jack winked at Rose as they entered the TARDIS library. "Did it work?" she whispered cautiously, glancing around as if she expected a monster to jump out from between the shelves at any moment.

"Yeah. I'm Jack Harkness, what did you expect?" the Captain replied confidently, leading the way between the towering shelves of books. The library was one of the biggest rooms in the TARDIS. Containing all the books the Doctor had collected over his long life, shelves stretched off in all directions. And there he was. The Doctor.

Seated in a soft armchair, the Time Lord had a thick textbook open on his lap. His head was resting on his shoulder, mouth open in a comical impression of a fish. That man even snored with a northern accent!

Jack pulled a permanent marker out of his pocket, and offered it to Rose. "If you'll do the honours, Miss Tyler…"

Rose grinned mischievously. "Oh, Captain Harkness, I will."

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Some hours later, the Doctor wandered into the console room, rubbing blearily at his eyes. He found Rose and Jack already there, an unfinished conversation hanging guiltily in the air. "Haven't done anything wrong, have you?" the Time Lord asked cheerfully, pumping the helmic regulator a few times.

While the Doctor wasn't looking, both of his companions snuck quietly out of the console room, struggling to keep their laughter under control.

The Time Lord in question caught a glimpse of his reflection ion the glass tube that was the time rotor, frowning at his ears, short hair and moustache. This wasn't his best regeneration, in the…

Hang on, moustache?

It took a few seconds for the realisation to sink in, and he looked back at his reflection, frown growing deeper and more pronounced. "Jack! Rose! You two are dead!" he shouted, picking up his mallet and charging out of the console room after his fleeing companions.


	17. Drunken Sailor: Part Three

**Drunken Sailor: Part Three**

The Doctor was curled up on the deck of the pirate ship, Polly still clutched in his hand. The pirates had mercifully stopped tickling his bare feet, but he remembered having shoes when he boarded the ship. Where had they got to? Unfortunately, his cognitive functions were still relatively fuzzy, so he couldn't quite work out where his footwear had gone.

Then the singing started again.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor?"

"I'm not a shailor!" the Doctor wailed, slurring his words.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor?"

"He is a sailor, don't listen to him," Polly interjected, and the Doctor clamped a hand over his own mouth to prevent any more ventriloquism mishaps.

"What do ya do wit' a drunken sailor, er-lye in the marning?"

The Doctor didn't bother to struggle as he was hauled back to his feet. "Why won't you jusht leave me alone!"

The pirates just grinned evilly, and one of them held out something red and wriggling.

"Put a lobster in his britches! Put a lobster in his britches!" the pirates chorused as a look of dread passed over the Doctor's face.

"You can't be serious…" He flinched as the pirate holding the lobster advanced on him.

"Put a lobster in his britches, er-lye in the marning!"

Seconds later, the Doctor's cry of pain echoed across the harbour.

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**A/N: Poor Doctor.... :(**


	18. The War of the Pies

**A/N: This story was requested by my good friend w1nter. It had to include the following: Rose, 9th Doctor, permanent marker, toothbrush, elevator shaft, ****LARGE inflated/ deflated/ inflatable/ deflatable beachball and either cake or pie. And so, 'the war of the pies' was born.**

**Please note, it may be scary. You just cannot trust Cap'n Jack.**

**Still takin' requests from people, if you would care to give them?**

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**The War of the Pies**

The irritating elevator music was getting on Rose's nerves. And what was the Doctor doing on the twenty-third story of a skyscraper anyway. She had just woken up that morning to find a sticky note stuck to her forehead, of all places, detailing where the Doctor and Jack had gone. Why were those two always swanning off without her? It was annoying, to say the least.

The lift doors pinged open and, acting on some hitherto unnoticed instinct, Rose ducked. Something sailed over her head. When she looked, it turned out it was a cream pie. She stood up again, and the next pie caught her straight in the face.

Coughing and spluttering, she stumbled out of the elevator, wiping banana flavoured cream off her face. A hand caught hold of her wrist, dragging her down to the floor, just as another cream pie flew over her head.

"Watch out, he's got a lot of ammunition over there," Captain Jack whispered with his distinct Harkness accent. "And he's angry that I used his toothbrush for –"

"I don't need to know Jack, I really don't wanna know," Rose shot back, noticing a stack of nearby pies. "I'm guessing 'he' is the Doctor."

Jack nodded. "You got that right," he said, peering over a makeshift barricade of chairs, tables, filing cabinets and potted plants. "I mean, all I did was –"

Rose picked up one of the pies. "I said I don't want to know," she said, chucking the pie over the barricade. "But if the Doctor wants a fight, I fight he shall have."

Rose and Jack traded cream pies with the Doctor for a few long minutes, during which time both teams sustained minor injuries. Rose received a bruised nose, Jack got a black eye from a stray collapsing table, and the Doctor managed to choke violently on banana cream.

But then, the pies were gone.

Jack and Rose glanced at each other. "What do we do now?" Rose asked, "has he got any pies left?"

"I'm not sure," Jack replied, sticking his head over the top of their barricade, "but I'm not sure I'm willing to risk it." The Captain was rewarded with another pie to the face, so he ducked back down.

"It looks like he's got pies left," Rose commented.

Jack licked some of the cream off his face. "Gee, I hadn't noticed. Thanks Rose."

"Well, what do we do now?"

Jack thought hard for a moment. "Well," he admitted, "we could always strip off our clothes, and use them as shields while we run towards him, and then, that leaves us free to –"

Rose prodded him in the chest. "No, Jack," she said forcefully. "I have a better idea." She pulled a large, plastic item from one of her pockets.

"Is that a –"

"No, Jack. It's an inflatable beach ball," Rose said, attempting to quell any rude thought the Captain might have. "And this is what we're going to do with it…" As Rose explained, Jack grinned ever-wider. This was going to be great!

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The Doctor almost threw a pie when he spotted Rose walking across the gap between the barricades, but paused a moment when he spotted the white 'flag' in her hands. It actually looked like a piece of white fabric tied to a table leg, but it was the thought that counted, he supposed.

"What do you want!" he called out, standing up to check for distractions, just in case they were planning something.

Rose waved the makeshift flag around a bit. "Truce?" she asked hopefully.

The Doctor pondered the significance of this question. "Let me think about it," he said, relaxing his pie-throwing arm. "What is that anyway?"She pointed at the flag. "This?" she said, tugging on the piece of fabric. "It's Jack's shirt. He offered his underpants, but I turned him down. There has to be limits, even for him."

"Where is Jack anyway," the Doctor grumbled, dropping his pie on the ground, "I can't believe he would agree to a truce."

"I didn't."

The Doctor turned, reaching for a pie at the same time, but he was too slow to avert the shirtless Captain's attack. Jack had enough time to give the Doctor a wink before the beachball came down over his head.

"Get this thing off me!" the hapless Time Lord cried, struggling with the inflatable plastic that now encased his head. "Get this ruddy thing off my head."

Rose handed the shirt-flag back to its owner, and pulled a permanent marker out of her pocket. "Hmm, I think you're looking a bit frowny there, Doctor. I think you need to brighten up a bit."

The Doctor scowled deeply as Rose drew a big, cartoony smiley face on the plastic beach ball.

"There," she said, before turning to Jack. "What do you think?"

The Captain grinned. "Fantastic," he said, in a mock Northern accent.

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**A/N: While you here (SHAMELESS PLUG), you should check out w1nter's stories. There's some real funny ones. Also, I co-wrote the story Cheese that you can find on w1nter's profile. Tell w1nter I sent ya, and you may get extra imaginary cookies.**


	19. Bully

**A/N: I felt that y'all deserved another chapter of this neglected story. This was a request from Deaths-Master (or Brittany, as she is more commonly known), and it had to include Jack, the Doctor, the Master, purple lollipop, beach, sandcastle, giant man-eating clams and jellybabies. And I wrote it. I don't know how, but I did.**

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**Bully**

The beaches of Gallifrey were the most wonderful place to the Doctor when he was ten years old. Of course, they were always special to him, and he had visited whenever he could, but nothing had been as great as the days when he had sat upon the glittering sands, just a small child. Even at that age, he was running away from responsibility, namely the responsibility of doing household chores. How he hated cleaning his bedroom. He was sure his closet was much bigger on the inside…

So the Doctor was sitting under the twin suns, building majestic sandcastles out of beautiful orange sand. He was just putting the finishing touches on a tower almost as tall as him when he noticed someone else on hit part of the beach.

"Oh, hello Koschei," the Doctor said jubilantly, picking up a bright red spade. "Want to build sandcastles with me?"

The ten-year-old Master sniffed at him. "What a waste of time," Koschei scoffed, looking at the sandcastle before him disdainfully, with its curving bridges and elegant spires. "What's the point, if it can be destroyed so easily?"

The Master started kicking at the Doctor's work of art, showering the other Time Lord with grains of fine orange sand. The Doctor looked on in horror as his hard work was reduced to a pile of dust on the beach.

He forced himself not to cry. Koschei was just trying to get a reaction out of him. At least, that's what his mum always said. Well, the Doctor thought o himself, I'll give him a reaction!

He picked up his yellow pail, still full of seawater, and dropped it on the Mater's head. Koschei coughed and spluttered, spitting out the briny water. He threw the bucket to the ground and pulled a purple lollipop out of his pocket. After licking it, he stuck it in the Doctor's unruly hair.

That time, the Doctor cried.

And, it was at that exact moment that a tall man suddenly waded up out of the ocean, a giant, pink-spotted, man-eating Gallifreyan clam latched over his arm. "Now, what seems to be the problem here kids?" he asked with an American twang to his voice, still attempting to prise the clam off of his WWII great coat.

The Doctor pointed at Koschei. "he kicked over my sandcastle," he said accusingly, "and he stuck a lollipop in my hair!"

The newcomer succeeded in pulling the giant, pink-spotted, man-eating Gallifreyan clam from his arm. "And what do you have to say about this?" he said to the Mater.

Koschei crossed his arms indignantly. "And what if it's true?"

The newcomer shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh, I don't know," he said casually, "I might just have to do this!" He jammed the snapping clam over the young Time Lord's head. The shellfish closed over Koschei's shoulders, muffling his cries of protest.

The Doctor clapped his hands. "Oh, I like you," he said happily, pulling the lollipop out of his hair. "Do you want to build sandcastles with me?"

The man shook his head. "I'm sorry, I'm kinda busy," he said, much to the young Gallifreyan's dismay. "But maybe I'll come back later, what about that?"

The Doctor nodded, watching curiously as the man pulled a crumpled paper packet out of his coat.

"Here, have these," he said, giving the packet to the Doctor, "they're called jellybabies, a sweet from goo 'ol planet Earth." The man gave the young Doctor a wink. "Don't worry. We will meet again," he said enigmatically, before he activated his vortex manipulator and disappeared in a flash of blue light.

The Doctor blinked in surprise, and tasted one of the lollies, a green one.

"I wonder where Earth is?" he wondered aloud, gobbling another jellybaby.

And thanks to the meddling of Captain Jack Harkness, the Doctor's fascination with the planet Earth began. If your town is 'accidentally' destroyed by the Doctor, or your cousin kidnapped by aliens, you now have permission to blame Cap'n Jack for it.


	20. Why NOT to give gifts to the TARDIS crew

**A/N: I felt you all deserved another chapter, since I haven't been writing lately. Just a bit of random silliness to tide you over until I upload the next chapter of my main story. Enjoy.**

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Why NOT to give gifts to the TARDIS crew

It was Intergalactic Carl Day in the TARDIS, and the crew were exchanging gifts, as per tradition. The only problem was that, the Doctor's memory being what it is, they had only found out on the _morning of the day_. So, they didn't have much time to scrounge up some gifts.

By midday, the TARDIS crew, numbering one Time Lord, one 51st century immortal and one very annoyed Brittany, were gathered in one of the many living rooms, this one furnished in a theme of greens and browns. Two wrapped gifts sat in front of each time traveller, just waiting to be handed out.

The Doctor picked up one of his gifts, and chucked it to Jack. "Happy Carl day!" he exclaimed. "I have no idea who Carl was or what he did, but we get to give gifts to each other, and I'm all for that."

Jack grinned, and unwrapped the small red package, holding up a rather irregular white lump. "Socks," he said pointedly. "Thanks Doc, I needed more socks. Can never have enough socks."

It seemed like the Doctor completely missed the Captain's sarcasm, being too busy handing his second gift to Brittany.

She took it eagerly, tearing the paper off and discarding it on the floor. She held up her gift. "It's a pebble," she stated. "A grey pebble."

The Doctor's grin sagged slightly. "If you don't want it, I could always keep it…"

"No." She pulled her hand back defensively, but dropped the pebble in the process. It smacked into the edge of the table with a thump, splitting open to reveal a hidden geode of delicate blue crystals. Brittany carefully gathered up the exposed crystals, happy with the secret revealed in her gift, while Jack handed out his gifts.

The Time Lord opened his first, silently peeling back the wrapping. His face paled when he saw what was inside, and he set aside the gift, taking a deep calming breath.

"What?" Jack protested. "I didn't exactly have much time to find a gift, and besides, it has a lot of memories for me."

"Memories that should be kept to yourself."

Brittany looked between the two men. "Perhaps I won't open my mine," she said thoughtfully. "I'll just burn it later." She then picked up her gifts, and handed them to their respective new owners with a hopeful grin. "Don't be shy now," she said. "Open them up."

Jack shrugged. "It can't be any worse than socks," he decided, divulging the contents of his package. He held it up to the light. "Wow, thanks Brittany," he muttered. "I've always wanted a Rubik's cube without the stickers. And look, you even drew me a frowny face. Isn't that thoughtful?"

Despite Jack's apparent lack of enthusiasm, the Doctor smiled. "At least my gift can't be any worse than that," he said happily, most probably speaking too soon. "Let's see what it is." As he removed the paper, a horrible stench was released into the air, and all three occupants of the room snapped their fingers over their noses. With growing shock, the Doctor drew his present up into the air, the yellowy coloured object handing limply from his hand.

Brittany had the good sense to look sufficiently embarrassed.

"I think this is the last time I celebrate this holiday with you two," the Doctor decided strongly, still staring at the … thing in his hand. "Of all the things to get me, I'm sure you could have found something slightly more appropriate than a dead goldfish."


	21. Emperors don't like Parties

**Emperors don't like Parties**

Brittany awoke to the Doctor bursting into her room, a party hat on his head, slightly askew. "It's the ninth of September today," he said cheerily, a large present in his hand.

She blinked at him bleary-eyed, gathering the duvet up around her. "What?"

He looked slightly crestfallen. "Don't you know what that means?"

She just looked at him.

The present was waved in her face. "It's Flavius Honorius' birthday! Emperor of Rome! It's only right that we pay him a visit, isn't it?"

And so, ten minutes later, Brittany found herself being dragged out of the control room by her elbow, right into the midst of a marble palace. The Doctor handed her the present, and tucked his hand into his pockets, his party hat almost slipping down over his eyes.

"Now, the history," he said, glancing over at his companion. "Because you can't have a party with the emperor without the history. So, he became the emperor of Rome at age ten, rather young if you ask me, but true. It's his 22nd birthday today, so don't be too rude or anything, okay?"

Brittany choked. "Me, rude? It's you I'm worried about!"

The Doctor looked hurt. "Rude? Never! This looks like it." He pushed open a pair of double doors, crowing jubilantly at the top of his voice. "Happy birthday to the emperor!" It was then that he noticed the fifty-odd soldiers that were moving to surround him. "Oh, we'll just leave the present here, shall we?" He nodded at Brittany, and she dropped it with a loud crunch.

"Someone likes their privacy," she remarked as the Doctor grabbed her arm again.

He took a look at the guards that were almost upon them. "Do I even need to tell you to run anymore?" She shook her head. "Well then, what are you waiting for?"

They ran.

And that's why the Doctor does not normally do birthdays, roman ones in particular. Also, they make him feel old.


	22. Skewed Logic

**Skewed Logic**

Yet another door was opened by the Doctor as he searched for Brittany. "Where could she be?" he muttered to himself, leaving a trail of scattered boxes in his wake as he tore apart the room in search of his companion. "I've checked everywhere she likes to go. The kitchen, her bedroom, the entertainment centre… everywhere!"

Just as the Doctor was about to give up, a very loud, and extremely rude word echoed down the empty corridors of the TARDIS, one that the Time Lord hadn't heard anyone other than Captain Jack dare to utter. Despite the rudeness of this apparently un-transcribable swearword, the Doctor decided to take the risk and trace it back to its origins.

Now, I would love to say that the Doctor walked for miles through cavernous corridors, battling all sorts of dastardly monsters with only a pair of chopsticks and half a toothpick, but this is unfortunately not true, and my tale must therefore be cut unceremoniously short. The Time Lord did manage to trace the rude word back to one room he hadn't thought to search – the study room.

He opened the door with a quiet squeak. "Brittany?" he called softly, in case that swearword was going to end up as a precursor to violence. "Are you here?"

A face appeared from behind a pile of books. "Mmm?" Brittany said, a snapped pencil in her hands, obviously the source of her frustration. "What is it?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I was wondering where you had gotten to, because I just made dinner, which is good old fish and chips by the way, though it's probably gone cold by now 'cause I spent all this time searching for you, so I'll have to start cooking again…what are you doing in the study room anyway?"

It was Brittany's turn to shrug. "Trying to be evil." She returned back to what she was doing, which just happened to be sharpening her broken pencil in a clunky old electric sharpener.

"Look, you know I don't approve of … evilness, but how is hiding out in a study room going to help you?"

Brittany paused, and tapped her fatally sharp pencil against the desk. "Well, corruption and evil are synonymous with each other right?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow, but nodded for her to continue. "They say that knowledge is power, and that power corrupts, so, the more I know, the more evil I am!" she finished triumphantly, returning to the textbook in front of her.

"Dinner'll be in the kitchen if you want it," the Doctor offered slowly as he sidled out of the room, an entirely confused look on his face. "Study hard."


	23. What If?

**A/N: Anyone who is reading this should go vote on my poll. Pweas? Also, all the best Time Lords (and Ladies) were Prydonians.

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What if?

Brittany stood upon an orange hill, cutting a striking figure in her long flowing Prydonian robes, looking out across the rusty deserts of Gallifrey. The second sun was just rising on the horizon, and a moon, visible despite the bright sunlight, was suspended against the backdrop of an alien sky.

Behind her, nestled among a copse of silver-leafed trees was a TARDIS. But not just any old TARDIS. It was _the _TARDIS, a timeship stuck in the endearing shape of an Earth police box (that's public call by the way, free of charge). And there was Brittany's companion, a tall man leaning against the TARDIS doorframe, flicking a yoyo back and forward.

"Brittany, when can we go?" he moaned with a nasally whine. "I wanna go do something fun."

The Time Lady sighed, and turned her gaze away from the extensive Gallifreyan deserts. "Okay Doctor," she said, with a voice that sounded like the most beautiful of birdsongs. "How about the planet of Callufrax? Or the mountains of Poosh? Not the lost moon, the planet!"

"Brittany? Brittany….. BRITTANY!"

Brittany jerked her head away from the bus window, only to see two deep, brown eyes staring directly into hers. "What?" she grumbled.

"We're going to be late for the convention," the Doctor said, jumping up and down on the spot. "And I don't want to miss the nibblies. Come on!" He bounded out of the bus and onto the streets of London without a second look for his human companion.

Brittany sighed, and followed him, just like she always did.

Still, a girl could dream, couldn't she?


	24. Parking Trouble

**A/N: Been meaning to write this chapter for a long time, and finally got around to it. Follows right on from the end of 'Forest of Shadows', if you wondering. Please review if you liked, or if you didn't. All feedback is appreciated.

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Parking Trouble

Mark had his nose buried in the Saturday newspaper when the unexpected happened. He was sitting at the back of a London double-decker bus heading to nowhere, it seemed, the whole vehicle empty apart from him, the driver, and that crazy old lady from down the road who had far too many cats. This was always what seemed to happen on Mondays. He'd hop on the bus and go to work, reading a two-day old paper that he'd only just picked up off the front lawn, 'cos he was too cheap to buy a new one, and he hadn't read it anyway, so he might as well. The last thing he expected to happen was a large blue box to appear out of nowhere.

The blue box in question dropped into reality with a loud crack about ten metres away from the bus, aligned so that it was both lying on its side, and pointing directly at the bus. It also appeared to be moving at a rather deadly speed.

The side of the bus caved in with a scream of tearing metal, the momentum of the TARDIS unbalancing the top-heavy vehicle. With a groan the bus teetered on two wheels for a long, tense moment, until, slowly, it toppled against a brick wall that had been conveniently left there just in case something like this should ever happen.

Shouting echoed from inside the blue box, but the three passengers on the bus were too shell-shocked to make a move, even to see what was going on. Funnily enough, the shouting went something along the lines of, "Brittany! I told you not to press that button! The other one! The other bloody button! You trying to kill us all? Why did I let you fly this thing, hmm? To splatter ourselves over the pavement of wherever the hell we've landed? NO! It's a privilege, not your right to fly my ship. She's thousands of years old, and I've taken good care of her, and it appears that you've flown us into a bus…oh."

The door to the blue box swung inwards, and a figure appeared, standing at right angles to gravity. "Oh, hello there," he said guiltily, looking straight at Mark. "Umm, I'm sorry about the inconvenience. We'll just be on our way, and out of your hair. So to speak." He gave a rather apologetic smile, and closed the door with a snick.

The light atop the TARDIS began to flash, and the box faded away, leaving nothing but a memory of its passing. Well there was also that great big gaping hole in the side of a bus. But never mind that.


	25. Wardrobe Mishap

**A/N: You know, I had this thought the other day that the Doctor would always be tripping over that long scarf of his...I just had to write this. Lots of updates today, I bet you're all happy with that!

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Wardrobe Mishap

Both the Doctor and Romana stopped dead in their tracks, necks craning up in unison to stare at the six glowing yellow eyes that were glaring down at them. The monstrosity reared up, jaws clacking, bladed arms whirring, ready to land a fatal blow.

The Doctor picked K-9 up, and thrust the tin dog into Romana's hands. "Run!" he instructed, and she did. The Time Lord took one last look at the monster trying to eat them, filing the mental image away for future reference, then turned tail and fled.

But, unfortunately for him, after only a few strides, he managed to step on his ridiculously long scarf, tripping himself up in the process. His head thwacked against the ground with a quite audible thump, and his much-loved fedora sliding away across the flagstones.

He rolled over onto his back, only to see the thirty-foot high alien creature rearing above him.

"Shit," he muttered to himself.


	26. GM of the Future

**A/N: Hmmm, I was just watching the Torchwood episode 'Reset', and discovered that I have never written Martha. I've writted every other new series companion (except Mickey), but I haven't done Martha. For this story, I was given three prompt words from my family: orange, hair and 2012.

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GM of the Future

The song of a nightingale broke the silence of early morning, and Martha Jones looked up, trying to locate the position of the bird. Brittany watched her curiously, before she finally set down her sandwich and spoke up. "What are you looking for?"

"Did you just hear that nightingale?" the UNIT doctor asked, staring in vain at the green leaves that shaded them.

Brittany shrugged. "I wouldn't know an eagle from an ostrich, even if you pointed one out to me."

"That's Jack's nickname for me, you know."

"What?"

"'The Voice of a Nightingale'," Martha murmured, before shaking her head. "I have no idea why, and I've never asked him, either." She sighed, and stretched out on their picnic blanket. "When do you think the Doctor'll be back?"

"You know him," Brittany replied. "Whenever he's stopped insulting the enemy of the week."

Martha chuckled at that. "Enemy of the day, you mean."

"I stand corrected," Brittany laughed.

"Sit corrected," the Doctor pointed out, coming up behind the two women without any warning. "You don't look like you're standing up to me."

"Just a saying," Brittany muttered, but then her expression brightened upon seeing the plastic bag in the Doctor's hand. "Oh, what have you got there, eh?"

The alien grinned at her. "A bit of a treat," he said, sticking his hand into the bag, which was just translucent enough for the two humans to see it had a couple of round objects in it, but too opaque to see what they actually were. "While you two have been here, relaxing, I ducked off to the markets to pick up some useless junk. That's the year 2012, by the way. Always interesting, those markets." He smiled absently to himself, then took two of the round objects out of his plastic bag, chucking one to both Martha and Brittany.

"They're oranges," Martha said in surprise. "With hair."

"Yeah," Brittany agreed. "Hairy orange…things."

The Doctor grinned, taking their expressions of shock as ones of curiosity. "I thought you'd like them," he said, still smiling. "Genetically modified oranges from the year 2012. Don't say that I didn't think about you." He caught a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye, and dropped his plastic bag. "Look! A butterfly!" he crowed, bounding off into the underbrush in pursuit of the fluttering insect.

Brittany set her orange down on the ground. "I don't know whether he's being serious or not."

Martha stared after the prancing Time Lord. "Yeah," she agreed absently. "He's an odd one alright."


	27. The Hairy Faceeating Slug Of Doom

**A/N: A short story to commemorate the end of 'mo'vember. And yes, I know. It's been a while since I've updates. So sue me.

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The Hairy Face-eating Slug…Of Doom

_Alien newspapers…why can't the Doctor stock a single Sydoriv paper? _Brittany sighed, and folded the Alpha Centaurian newspaper away. Speaking of which, the Doctor had disappeared for quite a while. Actually, she hadn't realised it until now, but he'd been gone for nearly a whole three weeks. Surely spring cleaning the TARDIS didn't take that long? Or at least, spring cleaning the bits they actually used. It was then that the library door opened, admitting a very crumpled Doctor.

"Speak of the devil," Brittany said with a grin, but the smiled promptly fell off her face as she shrieked in terror. "What is that!"

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "What is what?"

"That…THING! That thing living under your nose!" Brittany cried, pointing at his face.

He just stared. "It's called a moustache Brittany. You know, facial hair? For movember?"

"I know what a mo is Doctor," Brittany said, jumping up onto a low table, "but that isn't one. That is like some kind of… hairy face-eating slug, living under your nose. Of Doom!"

"But –"

"GET RID OF IT!"

The Doctor could see that it was no use arguing with her right now, and stalked out of the room in search of his razor. Brittany watched him go, shaking her head in dismay. "Bloody movember. And it's not even November anymore." She turned back to the rack of newspapers. "Okay, Sydoriv…"


	28. Twelve Days Of Christmas Part One

**A/N: On account of this story ending up far longer than I thought it would, I'm splitting it into four parts, each with three 'days' of Christmas. It's a bit of a belated Chrissy story, I know, but better late then never, hey? Prepare for some serious strange-goings-ons. Allons y!

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THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS - PART ONE

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**DAY ONE**

Six o'clock in the morning, and life in the TARDIS was anything but calm. The Doctor had decided he had wanted pancakes for breakfast (after an hour of deliberation, and numerous complaints from Brittany) but, after discovering that they had run out of, well, everything edible, the only option left to him was to go out for breakfast.

Brittany was still in the process of lacing up her boots when the Doctor attempted to drag her out the door, the end result of this being that her bootlaces remained untied, and she and the Doctor ended up as part of a tangled-up mess on the TARDIS doorstep.

Luckily, every Londoner in their right mind was still tucked away in bed at this early hour, where it was warm, leaving no one to witness the TARDIS crew's embarrassing stumble. Once they had succeeded in de-tangling themselves, all thoughts of food fled the Doctor's mind (quite an achievement in itself), because there, sitting right on his doorstep, was a cardboard box.

But it wasn't just any old cardboard box, oh no. It was a cardboard box wrapped in a prettily tied pink ribbon, with a small unmarked card attached to said ribbon. The Doctor approached cautiously, having not trusted anything pink since that whole 'feather boa' affair. He reached out, gingerly unhooked the card and flipped the white cardboard open.

"'Dear Doctor'," he read aloud, "'on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.'" He stood up, and looked down at the box. "Is it Christmas day?"

"I dunno," Brittany said as she rose to her feet, flicking bits of grime off the shoulders of her jacket. "Why d'ya ask?"

"The first day of Christmas is the 25th of December." He shook his head and leant down, intending to open the box.

Brittany prodded him in the shoulder. "Uh, what about breakfast? I thought that was why we came here."

"Breakfast can wait," he shot back, handing her a bundle of pink ribbon. "Go dispose of that, while I see what's inside." Brittany shrugged, and leant closer, tucking the offending ribbon into one of her many pockets. The Doctor payed her no heed, so intent was he on the box before him. He snaked long fingers around the edge of box, until he found a flap which could be opened. He, of course, opened it. Inside, sitting unobtrusively in the darkness, was a small potted plant with stout branches hanging low with green leaves. This plant was providing a home for a …

"Partridge?" The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? What kind of gift is that?"

Brittany picked up the card from where it had been discarded on the sidewalk. "Well, you definitely get what it says on the tin," she observed, peering at the words with a frown. "Does that handwriting look familiar to you?"

The Doctor waved a hand. "Not now. We have to get this poor bird inside. Imagine, sitting in a dark box all morning in the winter cold." He sniffed disdainfully, and managed to scoop the gift up, plant, bird and all, holding it tight against his body with both arms. "Won't be a tick." By some magical ability, he opened the TARDIS door without using his hands, and disappeared inside. Brittany prepared herself for a long wait, but she needn't have worried – the Doctor reappeared within seconds, hands tucked into pockets and grin on his face. Business as usual.

The time travellers linked arms and strode off up the road without a care in the world. Well, except for one.

"Hey Doctor."

"Hey yeah?"

"Wasn't that a pear tree?"

"Don't worry; we'll have plenty of time to burn it later."

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**DAY TWO**

The central column wheezed up and down, desperately calling for attention, but the Doctor's attention was otherwise engaged. He was trying to catch a bird.

The insolent partridge warbled at him from her perch high up in console room, amid the tangled mess of pipes and cables. The Doctor stared up at the bird with malice in his eyes as he wrung his hands in frustration. His hair stuck up every-which-way, the crazy tufts interrupted only by the grey feathers that had settled atop his scalp. Scratch marks ran across his shoulder and back, not deep enough to draw blood, but nonetheless powerful enough to tear long gashes in his blue suit. The Doctor, however, could forgive all this. It was no big deal. The one thing he couldn't stand was the fact that the partridge had stolen his tie.

"Give it back!" he roared, pointing a finger at the disobedient bird. "Give it back right now!"

Burgundy tie clasped in beak, the bird cocked it's head to the side curiously, not comprehending the gravity of the situation. The Doctor finally lost his temper. "Alright, that is it!" he yelled as he clambered up onto the mushroom-shaped console. "I am gonna kill you now!" He wrapped his arms and legs around the central column, then proceeded to shimmy his way up to the ceiling. Once he reached the top of the column, he gripped tightly with his knees, and reached out with one arm for his tie. His fingers fell just millimetres short and, just to add insult to injury; the partridge hopped back a couple of paces.

He gritted his teeth in frustration. Why? Why him? Why did he have to look after the stupid bird? And why couldn't it just give him his tie back? It was all or nothing now, and he wasn't one to back down. He wasn't about to let himself be beaten by a bird. He shimmied up a little higher, and grabbed onto a particularly sturdy-looking cable with both hands. Once he was sure his grip was secure, he carefully wrapped his legs around the same cable, leaving himself hanging upside down over the console room. "You won't escape me this time," he forced out through gritted teeth. "I'll get my tie back."

The Time Lord started to move, slowly, hand over hand, sliding along the cable ever closer to his prize. The partridge hopped back, always remaining just beyond the reach of his fingers. That was, until the cable ran out. The bird had nowhere to go, and it was only a matter of time before he had his tie in his grasp.

Brittany chose that moment to enter the console room, rubbing her hands through her wet hair. "Oi, Doctor! The shower's sprung a leak again," she called, not even bothering to ask why in the nine hells he was hanging upside down from the roof.

"Kinda busy here," he shot back, edging a little bit closer to his prize. He reached out with one hand, fingers brushing against his lost tie-

The whole room tumbled askew, a warning klaxon blaring angrily in his ears. The Doctor fell with a screech, landing heavily on the floor, tie in hand. The partridge returned to its pear sapling, and turned its back disdainfully on the rest of the room. Brittany dragged the Doctor to his feet. "So, what the hell just happened?"

He shrugged, and looped the tie around his neck while at the same time he gave the screen a cursory glance. "We appear to have collided with something. A spaceship, apparently." He finished adjusting his tie and practically skipped to the door, but not before shooting the partridge an evil look. To Brittany, he said, "Care to go for a stroll?"

"Why not?" she agreed, following him out the door. When they exited however, what they weren't expecting was another ribbon-encased cardboard box on their doorstep.

"Okay, now I'm starting to get worried," the Doctor breathed after he read through the card. He handed it to Brittany, and unwrapped the ribbon, which he also handed to Brittany. "I was willing to accept one gift as some kind of freak accident, but two? Coincidence? I think not."

Brittany giggled as she read the card aloud. "'Dearest Doctor, I have only eyes for you. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree."

The Doctor sighed, and opened the box. Sure enough, the content of the box were identical to what had been written on the card. He frowned at the birds, which looked at him with complete innocence. "I suppose we had better move them inside. They can go make mischief with their other little friend." That being said, he picked up the whole box, and carried it inside.

* * *

**DAY THREE**

The Doctor sat completely still in his plastic foldy chair, completely immobile except for his eyes, which were following Brittany as she bounced up and down, up and down, up and down in a never-ending cycle. "Having fun?" he said tonelessly, his eyes not leaving her progress.

"Absolutely," she replied with a grin. "This is just bloody brilliant."

The Doctor rubbed his brow, the first movement he'd made in half an hour. "Great. Of all the things you could be doing, it had to be jumping on a trampoline. Don't they have them on Sydoriv?" He paused. "Of course they don't," he answered his own question, putting on a high pitched girly squeak. "What are you Doctor, a ninny-head?"

"I don't ever recall calling you a ninny-head," Brittany put in.

The Doctor, being the Doctor, completely ignored her. "When I was living on Sydoriv, all we had to play with was high-grade industrial explosives –"

"Implosives!"

"-and pieces of broken plascrete." He stopped his rant to stand up, and fold his foldy chair under his arm. "Aren't you lucky to have found me?" he said, going back to his normal Doctor-ish voice. "Those high-grade industrial explosives –"

"Implosives…"

"-could have seriously injured you as a child. Come on, we're going back to the TARDIS." Without even checking to see if his companion was following him, he spun on his heel and stalked away, back towards the TARDIS. Brittany slowly bounced to a halt.

"Doctor?" she called. "Don't leave me here." He disappeared around the corner of a building, not listening to a word she was saying. "Umm, Doctor? Hello? I'm still standing here… DOCTOR!" Somewhere, a cricket with perfect comic timing chirped. "DOCTOR!" Brittany leapt off the trampoline, and charged back to where she knew the TARDIS was parked. On her way, she almost tripped over three hens that were aimlessly pecking at the ground. She shot them a curious glance, but continued on to the TARDIS. When she arrived, she found the Doctor sitting in the time ship's doorway; four doves perched on his shoulders, a partridge on his lap, and another on his head. Strangely enough, the one atop his head had a blue tie clutched in his mouth.

The Doctor sent her an imploring look. "This has got to stop."


	29. The Darkness Beneath: Outtakes

**A/N: I was just sitting here, typing up the next few chapters of Fractured Glass when this strange thought just popped into my head. Remember that scene from 'The Darkness Beneath' where Jack tackles the shadow creature off a cliff? Well, I thought, "What if the Doctor..." Well, if you read the story, you'll understand what I was thinking about. Just a collection of outtakes from the Darkness Beneath. I particularly like the last one. Hooray for the eleventh Doctor! Oh, and the bit about John Cleese is in one of The Doctor Who comics I've read...

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The Darkness Beneath: Outtakes

Jack rubbed blearily at his eyes. Why the hell were two skinny legs sticking out of the TARDIS console? And what was that terrible keening noise coming from their direction? "Doctor?" Jack queried, staring at the legs. "Is that you?"

"Jack!" came the muffled reply, followed by a series of loud crashes. A shower of sparks exploded from the scanner, raining biting electricity down on both the Time Lord and immortal Captain. The Doctor's legs squirmed around wildly, before finally falling still.

"Doctor?"

"Ah, Jack," the Time Lord replied sheepishly, obviously still alive down there. "I seem to be slightly stuck. Care to help?

* * *

The Doctor had a nice view of Jack's butt. Just his luck, stuck behind the infamous Captain Harkness as they crawled their way along a chimney. Well, at least he didn't have Jack behind him, making various observations on the size and shape of his butt. He wasn't sure whether he'd have been able to resist kicking him in the face. Suddenly, the Captain stopped dead.

"Jack?" the Doctor queried, with a raised eyebrow. "Other people waiting to get through here."

"I know," Jack shot back. "It's just I'm kinda, well … stuck, Doc."

The Doctor smacked his head on the ground, or attempted to at least. His helmet prevented his forehead from making contact. "Oh great, just great."

"Would you oblige?"

The Doctor bit his lip. "Oh, you did this on purpose, didn't you? Just so you could tell all your friends about it later, Captain Jack Harkness." He sighed, and looked at his hands. "I am so gonna regret this…"

* * *

Tom heard the voice over his radio. "Sorry about the wait. Oh, and John Smith wants to talk to you."

"Put him on," Tom said. The radio crackled as it passed from Lora to Smith. "Hello, Smith? You there?"

"Tom, listen to me very carefully. The giant evil banana of death is coming, and we need to work together to defeat it. Do you have any ice cream?"

"You what?"

The Doctor chuckled to himself. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. Ah, what I'd give to see the look on your face right now."

Tom just glowered.

* * *

With a roar, the creature charged, red eyes flashing angrily. The entire tour group flinched away, the Doctor included. Their fear however, was short lived, as the shadow-like monster managed to smack it's head on a low hanging rock formation. It crumpled to the ground, whimpering in pain.

"You all right?" the Doctor asked.

"Yeah," the creature replied, getting back to it's feet slowly. Another creature stuck it's head in from a side passage.

"Bill, you okay?"

The first creature waved a clawed hand, and moved back to it's original position. "Yeah, fine. Start from the top?"

The Doctor nodded, and brandished his sonic screwdriver. "Duck this time, okay?"

* * *

"Oh, what the hell," Jack muttered to himself. "It won't kill me." He roared unintelligibly, and charged at the creature, tackling it backwards … right off a cliff.

"Jack!" screeched the Doctor, running right to the edge of the chasm. He misjudged the distance, and his foot came down on empty air. He started to tumble over, arms windmilling wildly like John Cleese overdosed on caffeine (as Martha had so aptly said), until someone grabbed onto his waist.

"I've got you," Brittany said, but it was too late. The Doctor was already leaning too far out over the edge. Arms still flailing wildly, his weight dragged them both over the edge.

The rest of the tour group rushed to the edge of the crevasse, and watched them tumble down into darkness.

* * *

Whatever was making the noise was coming closer – it sounded almost like footsteps. "Oh, Freda," Jack breathed when the lady emerged into the light. "You gave me a fright there."

Freda smiled, but it looked like the expression didn't quite fit her face. "I didn't mean too," she said, as if that was exactly what she meant to do. Jacks' hand unconsciously strayed to his revolver's holster, and he stiffened when he found his gun missing.

Freda drew her hand out of her pocket. She was aiming right at Jack's face.

Jack, however, just laughed at her. "Looks like the Doctor's pulled the old 'swap Jack's gun for a banana' trick," he chuckled, nodding at the green banana in her hands. "Sorry mate."

Freda growled, and attacked Jack with the banana. The last thought that went through his mind as he crumpled to the floor was that unripe bananas made awfully good clubs.

* * *

"Oh, but it makes all the difference. It makes all the difference in the world because, you see, over the years I have gotten very good at staying alive." After the Doctor had finished saying that, he spun on his heels and sprinted for cover. A single gunshot rang out, and he stumbled and fell, looking at the blood blossoming over the front of his suit.

"You idiot!" he shouted at Freda. "You weren't meant to hit me! You were supposed to miss, so I could escape and defeat you!"

Freda's face paled. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, dropping the gun. "I told you I was a really bad shot. I'm really sorry. Oh my god, what have I done?" The Doctor was too busy writhing around on the floor in pain to answer. Light suddenly bathed his features, and a golden glow exploded from all his limbs. The humans looked on in disbelief as his face shifted, his hair lengthened, his frame shrunk in stature and his clothes loosened over his shoulders. The light cut out, and the newly regenerated Doctor sat up, shock on his face.

He fingered his hair, a frown on his new face. "Oh dear Rassilon no!" he screeched in shock. "I'm a flippin' girl!"


	30. Always Tie Up Your Shoelaces, Kids

**WARNING: SPOLIERS FOR JOURNEY'S END :WARNING**

**A/N: I re-watched Journey's End, and thought this matter had be addressed. it was just eating me up inside! This story was orginally just the first two paragraphs, but I felt the rest of the scene needed explaining, and so this kinda ended up a lot more involved, and less funny than the orginal idea. But: MEH.

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Always Tie Up Your Shoelaces, Kids

The Doctor slowly turned, squinting up the dark street, past the hulking shapes of abandoned cars. There she was, a blonde-haired figure slowly walking towards them. How had Donna even recognised her from this far away? It was impossible – it really was Rose!

A grin split the Doctor's face in two, and he began to sprint up the road, trainers pounding on the hard tarmac. But, the smile fell off his face when his foot refused to leave the ground, and he remembered all too late that he'd forgotten to tie up his shoelaces. The ground rushed up to meet him with a 'whoomph', and his face hit the ground, quite painfully by the looks of things.

The cry of "EX-TERM-I-NATE" came from a side alley, the shot from the Dalek's gun fizzing through the air right where his chest would have been if he hadn't tripped. The Doctor groaned and rolled onto his back as Jack appeared out of thin air, the blue bolt from his gun transforming the offending Dalek into various pieces of twisted metal scattered across the ground.

"You alright?" Rose asked as she reached the Doctor's side, genuine concern in her voice.

The Time Lord nodded as Jack helped him back to his feet. "Me? Yeah, fine." He grinned at Rose, and there was one moment of silence before they both ran to embrace each other. Jack watched the two old friends with his trademark Harkness-grin on his face, but Donna's attention was elsewhere. That voice, in her head … it sounded so familiar, almost … but it was darker than his, and it was telling her to do the unthinkable.

She leant down, and retrieved Rose's enormous gun from the ground. Could she really do it? Could she do as the voice in her head said? She didn't have a chance to ponder it, because her arms made the decision for her. They aimed the gun seemingly of their own accord, her finger curling around the trigger.

The Doctor and Rose had just finished their excessively long hug when the blue bolt stuck the Doctor in the side. He flew off his feet and into the door of a car, the metal buckling around him. Rose immediately rushed to his side, checking to see if he was alright. Jack, however, gently took the gun from Donna.

"I had to do it," she explained without needing any prompting. "If the Doctor isn't forced to pour his excess regeneration energy into his handy spare hand, I won't have a chance to cause a human-Time Lord Metacrisis, therefore causing Davros to completely destroy the whole of creation with single stream Zed-Neutrino energy!"

Jack gawked at her. "What?"

Donna stared right back at him. "Huh?"

"Zed what energy?"

Donna looked at him blankly. "What are you on about Jack?"

Their conversation was punctuated by a moan from the Doctor, and Jack was suddenly all business again. "We've gotta get him to the TARDIS!"

Donna paused for a few seconds. For a moment there, she was sure there was a voice in her head that sounded awfully like the … She shook her head. Never mind. It looked like the Doctor was in pain, and the best place for him was the TARDIS.

* * *

**A/N: To explain Donna's reason for knowing about future events, I think the Metacrisis echoed back along the Doctor's time line when he didn't get shot (just like the Human Doctor's heartbeat did), and Donna knew that she had to fix events back to their orginal course. She then forgets about it ever happening, which is so very Donna. Gerh. That's just one theory though.**


	31. Premature Regeneration

**MEGA WARNING: MAJOR SPOLIERS FOR THE END OF TIME PART TWO :WARNING**

**A/N: Again, I was just sitting here thinking (again) about the End of Time, and the fact that it skipped from the Doctor and Wilf at the Naismith Estate, to the Doctor dropping Wilf home. What happened in between? And then I thought about what would have happened if the Doctor had regenerated sooner than he'd anticipated? Well, this chapter was born... I pretty paraphrased a lot of Matt Smith's lines. So sue me.

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Premature Regeneration

The Doctor fished the TARDIS key out of his pocket, and gestured Wilf inside the time ship.

"But Doctor, how long before you do that … regeneration thing?" Donna's grandad asked as the Doctor shut the TARDIS door behind them. "Your cuts have healed right?"

The Doctor shrugged his coat off and slung it in its usual space as he walked up to the console, Wilf trailing behind him. "I dunno," the Time Lord said, starting up the TARDIS engines. "We should have enough time to take you home though."

Wilf nodded, and sat down on the only seat in the room, hands shaking. Here was the Doctor going calmly about his business, despite the fact that the radiation that he had absorbed was slowly killing him from the inside.

Wilf looked up sharply as something clanged on the floor. The Doctor had toppled over backwards, hands clutching at his chest. "Doctor?" Wilfred said, rising to his feet. "Are you alright?"

The Doctor writhed around on the floor, eyes scrunched tightly shut. "It's happened," he moaned, obviously in a lot of pain. "I'm regenerating!" Wilf could only watch helplessly as intense golden light exploded out from the Doctor's features, and the Time lord began to change. Gouts of flames exploded all over the room and one of the immense pillars holding up the ceiling collapsed into a pile of rubble. The windows in the TARDIS door exploded out, letting the scintillating lights of the time vortex into the room. Roundels began popping all along the walls, and sparks burst from the console. Wilf covered his head and watched as the light bathing the Doctor faded away, leaving a completely different man in his place.

The new Doctor sat up, rubbing his head. "Okay, let's see – arms, legs, neck, head and nose," he said, checking that all parts of his body were still attached. "Good, that's good." He rubbed a hand along his jaw line. "Chin's a bit bigger than I'm used to, but I'm sure I'll warm to it. Let's see… hair…" His face fell. "NO WAY!" he screeched, fingering his hair. "I'm a girl! I don't wanna be a girl, I can't be a girl!" His fingers found their way down to his throat, checking to make sure that his Adam's apple was still present. "I'm not a girl," he breathed in relief as he got to his feet, pulling a tuft of hair down in front of his eyes to he could check the colour. "And still not ginger? Naw, I've wanted to be ginger for such a long time…" He appeared to finally noticed Wilf standing there, the old man's mouth hanging open in shock.

"Oh, hello," the Time Lord said. "And who are you?"

Wilf just stared. "Doctor…"

"Well, hello Doctor … no, hang on. I'm the Doctor!" The Time Lord crossed his arms across his chest, affronted. "Oh, Wilf, sorry, it's you. These new eyes, hey?" he joked, flicking his hair behind his shoulder. "So, where were we?" He turned back to the TARDIS console and drummed his fingers on the edge of the scanner. "Ah, that's right. Crashing!" He immediately began to bash buttons with the same haphazard abandon as his previous regeneration did, but paused halfway through setting a destination to raise a hand to his head.

"You know, I feel kind of dizzy," he observed just before his eyes rolled up into his head and he crumpled to the floor.

Wilf finally came to his senses. "Doctor, are you okay?" he asked as he rushed to the apparently younger Time Lord's side. "What do I do? I don't know how to fly this thing!" The Doctor, however, remained out cold.

The room jolted, and instead of the miasma of the time vortex outside the window, it was a bird's eye view of London. Actually, the city appeared to be approaching rather quickly…

Wilf leapt up to the console, staring at the buttons, completely at a loss for what to do. "Oh, God save me," he said as he closed his eyes and pressed every button within reach.


	32. The Twelve Days Of Christmas Part Two

**A/N: Finally, the second part is here. Hurrah. Well, stop reading this author's note and read the actual story - that's why you're here, innit?

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**THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS: PART TWO

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DAY FOUR

The Doctor was brooding. What was with this whole 'twelve days of Christmas' thing? He hadn't asked for it, and he certainly wasn't appreciating it. There were birds everywhere, and it was driving him mad. Brittany didn't seem to be minding; to her, it was all a big joke that would finish soon enough. The Doctor, however, had had enough of French hens trying to unlace his shoes with their wings.

He snapped his book shut. "Stop!" he cried as he leapt to his feet, sending the hens scattering off in all directions. "Enough! I can't take this anymore!" His shoulders sagged, and he reached an arm up to retrieve his tie from the partridge that seemed intent on making his head its nest. When he entered the console room, Brittany was already there, but she knew not to make any comment about the bird sitting on his head, nor mention the dove that was trying to tear apart the handbrake with its feet. The Doctor sullenly walked over, moved the turtle dove to the helmic regulator, and began hammering buttons with less than his normal enthusiasm.

The Time Lord needed only an hour or two of sleep each night to function, but he had not been able to sleep a wink. The mystery of who had sent him the strange boxes had kept him up all through the early hours of the morning. Well that, and the fact that one of the three partridges had moulded his bed sheets into a makeshift nest, and any time he tried to remove it, it had leaped up to attack his nose. He wasn't quite sure which one it was (it wasn't the one that was living on his head – that one had never left his hair), but it had bloody well kept him up all night, leaving him with deep circles under his eyes.

"You're looking a bit worse for wear," Brittany commented, concern in her voice, after they had finished the smoothest landing in Type 40 history.

The Doctor looked at her with hooded eyes. "You have no idea." He skulked his way down the stairs, shrugged his overcoat on with minimum effort, and opened the door, already having a fair idea of what was going to be out there.

His prediction was accurate, because there, right on his doorstep was another one of the boxes addressed to him. This box was considerably larger than the previous ones, and he opened it without even bothering to read the card. He was immediately set upon by a flock of squawking birds, which he did his best to ignore. Instead, he reached into the box, retrieved the pear sapling, and tipped the pot upside down, leaving the plant lying on the ground in a pile of moist soil. He then walked back inside, a grand total of ten birds following in his wake.

"Brittany?" he said after he had closed the door. "It looks like we have more guests." His companion just turned her head away and smirked, making sure that the Doctor couldn't see her expression. She knew him well enough that one little mistake would send him into a rage. A sleep-deprived reckless Time Lord who was known as 'the Oncoming Storm' across the galaxies was not someone you would want to provoke. She set her face back into a neutral expression, and glanced over at the Doctor.

He appeared to be using the TARDIS scanner as a pillow.

* * *

**DAY FIVE**

Hot oil sizzled and spat as Brittany prepared breakfast. For the first time in the history of ever, she had woken before the Doctor, and had decided to treat him to some fried eggs and ham. She hardly ever got a chance to cook; either the Doctor had already done so, or they ate a rushed meal of cereal and were out the door before you could say 'Doctor, I still have to brush my teeth!' TARDIS life sure was hectic.

The Doctor entered the kitchen at a run, slamming the door behind him. He was wearing a clean suit, his hair was freshly washed (and sans resident partridge) and a haggard expression adorned his face.

"You're looking better this morning," Brittany said cheerfully as she dished out breakfast. "Did you manage to clear that nest out of your bed then?"

"Oh no," the Doctor replied, hands immediately reaching for the cuppa that was sitting on the tabletop before him. "I slept on the couch."

"Which couch?" Brittany queried, placing two plates on the table, as well as a much-loved teapot.

"The green one," the Doctor responded through a mouthful of steaming tea.

Brittany swallowed a bite of ham. "But that's the one with broken spring that digs into your backside when you sit on it. What happened to that nice tartan sofa you had?"

The Doctor massaged the small of his back. "It appears to have gone missing." He drained his cup of tea with a contented sigh. "Personally, I think Jack's nicked it. He always 'borrows' my stuff without asking." He shrugged, and cut into his fried egg. "Oh my word, this is delicious. Compliments to the chef." He grinned at Brittany, and dug into his meal.

"So, worked out who the boxes are from yet?"

The Doctor waved his fork around. "Not a clue. Hang on, it isn't you is it?

"Oh, God no. Love messages and traditional carols is _not_ my style. Besides, I live here too, and I certainly don't appreciate having doves canoodling in my bed."

"Were they -?"

"Oh yes."

The Doctor shuddered and pushed his empty plate away. "Well, I suppose we had better get to the control room, and grab today's box." He stepped out of his chair, and onto the table, craning his neck to look at the ceiling. "Now, if only I can remember where I put it…" He buzzed the ceiling with his screwdriver, causing a hidden access panel to slide away and reveal a crawlspace. "See you at the console room, yeah?" he said before he wriggled his way inside, kicking his legs crazily.

"Yeah, I suppose," Brittany muttered, opening the kitchen door to travel along the usual route to the console room. She arrived before the Doctor, and decided that she would do him a favour and drag the box inside so that they could deal with the problem. It was about as large as yesterday's, and smelt like… well, like birds. She didn't want to think about what the Doctor was going to do with whoever was sending those boxes once they found them. And it wasn't a matter of if – it was just when. Brittany finished dragging the box inside the TARDIS, and walked over to close the doors, but on her way back, she heard a strange scuffling sound from the ceiling. She paused to look up, only to see two blue-suited legs shooting towards her.

The Doctor landed squarely in her arms, but he was surprisingly heavy for such a skinny bloke. She staggered backward – right into the cardboard box. It toppled over backwards, releasing its potentially deadly payload of birds. "Oh no!" the Doctor moaned as he and Brittany finally overbalanced and fell to the floor. "This was a clean suit and everything!" The birds immediately descended on him, intent on destroying his immaculate suit.

Brittany avoided most of the devastation and reached the cardboard box with only one cursory scratch on her cheek. There was something still inside the box, just like she'd expected. She swept the remains of the uprooted pear sapling aside and retrieved a small wooden box inlaid with mother of pearl. "Hey Doctor!" she called as she opened it. "You've got five golden rings."

"Great," the Time Lord shot back, tugging a dove away from his ear. "Perhaps we can pawn them to cover the cost of repairing my damaged psyche."

* * *

**DAY SIX**

The Doctor paused, sleek pistol in hand. He used a mirror to check around the corner, and once he was sure the coast was clear, he hurried down the next corridor, eyes darting around furtively. It couldn't be called the best of situations – he was reduced to sneaking around his own ship like a criminal, and he even had to carry protection with him at all times. When he found out who was sending him all these birds…

He froze when he heard an out of place sound, and once he'd identified it as the all-too-familiar call of a partridge, he bundled himself into the nearest broom closet and closed the door with a quiet 'snick'. Once the sound of fluttering wings had faded away down the corridor, the Doctor risked turning the closet's light on.

He stiffened. There were a grand total of five doves sitting on the shelves of the closet, and every single one was staring straight at him. "Will this never end?" the Doctor muttered to himself as he slowly reached behind his back for the doorhandle. That was the trick. Keep all your movements nice and slow, so you didn't alarm them. A flock of alarmed birds with sharp claws was not a good thing, especially not with so many hiding all over the TARDIS. He managed to open the door, but the birds saw the sudden change in light level as a threat. By Rassilon, they saw everything as a threat!

The Doctor bundled himself out of the closet, firing his weapon wildly. Two doves dropped out of the air, their wings bedraggled and useless. The Doctor was glad he'd stopped by the kitchen to fill his water pistol with maple syrup – that extra bit of stickiness made all the difference. He felled a third bird, but the last two made it through his rain of shots. One immediately started to peck at his ear, drawing a miniscule amount of blood. The other flew around his head, ruining his spiked hair. He moaned at this latest disgrace, and attempted to hit the two remaining doves with his water pistol, but only succeeded in covering himself in maple syrup.

There was a crash from behind him, and he spun on the spot, waving his hands around his head to ward off the attacking birds…

And was immediately run down by a squawking gaggle of geese. He groaned from the floor as Brittany ran into the corridor at full speed.

"I'm sorry!" she called as she screeched to a halt. "The box just didn't want to stay shut." She paused for a grin. "Though – six geese a-laying? Cor blimey."

The just raised up his left hand. "I noticed," he muttered, a single maple syrup-covered goose egg stuck to his palm.


	33. TV

**A/N: I wasn't allowed to watch Stargate tonight 'cos the rest of my family was watching some other stupid show, so I wrote this. Grr. Oh, and WE'VE REACHED OVER 100 REVIEWS! OMG! Couldn't have done it without you awesome reviewers - so many hearty thanks!**

**Still: Grr. Stargate Atlantis is awesome, an' I wasna able to watch it.**

* * *

**T.V.**

The Doctor was happy – more so than usual, and that was quite an achievement. He skipped into the TARDIS lounge room (the one with the nice brown leather couches, not the one with the paisley yellow seats) and immediately grabbed up the remote in one hand, and the intergalactic TV guide in the other. He flipped open to today's date, and checked the time.

"Only two hours to go," he said to himself in excitement as he turned the TV on. "Oh, I can't wait." He hopped from foot to foot, and watched a couple of ads for washing detergent, before settling on pacing around the room. He'd been waiting for this for weeks, the premiere of the new series of Stargate. Oh, sure, he could have just popped forward in time and had a quick peek at the end, but where was the excitement in that? No, it was far more fun to count down the weeks, then the days, then the hours, the excitement building with each passing minute. It was like peeking at the end of a book before you start reading it – it was just cheating.

The Doctor made himself a cup of tea. He soon finished that one serve however, and quickly made up a whole pot. However, when there was only ten minutes to go until the show started, he found that he had managed to go through three pots of the stuff in an hour and half, and that was leaving him rather in need of paying a visit to the little boy's room. He hopped from foot to foot, then decided that he couldn't hold it in any longer, and would have to go or he might just explode. That would have definitely ruined his night.

He made it back to the lounge with only a minute to spare, only to find…

"Brittany, what in the name of Rassilon are you doing?" he asked, eyeing her position on the couch, along with the fact that she had the TV remote in her hand – HIS TV REMOTE!

"Watching TV," she replied simply. "See, my flatmate, well, former flatmate Sally is gonna be on TV to promote the first anniversary of her magazine Superluminal – oh, she's the Editor-in-Chief of a magazine, if I forgot to mention it, anyway-"

"Brittany!" the Doctor interrupted. "What about Stargate?"

Brittany gave him the worst innocent face ever. Of all time. "Stargate? What Stargate?"

"I've only been talking about it for the past half a year!" the Doctor spluttered, already realising that he had lost before he had even begun. "It's Stargate!"

Brittany shrugged. "It can wait, can't it? This is important." She turned back towards the TV, flicking over to one of the Planet Sydoriv News Channels.

Behind her, the Doctor visibly deflated as he stalked out of the room, muttered under his breath about popping forward in time and just bloody well buying the boxset.


	34. Sky Riders: Original Edit

**A/N: I dug this up the other day - the original version of the first chap of Sky Riders. Hah, it was written before I had even properly started on Second Chance (the first ep in my series) - then I went and lost it, and wrote something entirely different for the actual Sky Riders I uploaded. Funny how that works.**

* * *

**Sky Riders: Original Edit**

"Oh, come on Doctor, where are we?"

"It's a surprise."

"Please, just tell me."

"No. You'll just have to wait and find out." The Doctor grinned as he finished lacing up his pitch black Converse sneakers. Brittany stared at the Time Lord slack jawed, feeling quite underdressed in her jeans and t-shirt compared to his immaculate tuxedo.

"But why are you so dressed up?" she asked as he moved on to fiddling with his bow tie. "Are we going to a party?"

The Doctor threw on his brown overcoat – quite ruining the dressy look he had going. "Yes," he finally admitted, checking his pockets. "It's one of the greatest parties in the entire galaxy." He grabbed Brittany's hand and dragged her towards the door. "It's so big, you could go there thirty times and never meet yourself. And, the buffet is absolutely amazing." He opened the door ecstatically. "And the best bit is – oh." The Time Lord started around at the unexpected landscape.

"It doesn't look particularly amazing," Brittany observed, shielding her eyes from the harsh sunlight as she stepped outside. "In fact, it looks downright –"

"Oh, shut up," the Doctor grumbled, disentangling his leg from some barbed wire.

The TARDIS had landed in the middle of a flat, bleak plain. Craggy mountains rose up against the grey sky in the distance, with the only other distinguishing feature a few hills only a couple of hundred metres away. The Doctor frowned to himself. He had set the coordinates correctly, and the TARDIS hadn't broken down or crash-landed, so how had they gotten here? He wasn't willing to put it down to machinery fault. He gave a sigh, and dragged Brittany away from the crater she was inspecting, pointing towards the hills.

"That seems like a good a place as any to start," he said, sticking his hands in his coat pockets. "Pieces of scenery aren't normally covered in barbed wire and people with guns unless there's a very important reason." Brittany looked closer, and saw that there were indeed people with guns on the hills, warily watching the newcomers. She hurried to catch up to the Doctor, who was purposefully striding towards those very hills.

"This place looks like there was a war going on," she remarked, stepping around some rubble.

"Not was; still is," the Doctor corrected, pointing out a nearby crater. There were wisps of smoke curling out of it. "See that? Still fresh. Plasma weaponry of some kind – very volatile."

"Well, whoever they're fighting, they're not here now," Brittany pointed out, prodding the Doctor. "Those soldiers seem pretty relaxed."

The Time Lord stuck his hands in the air. "Right, and that's why they're running towards us with lots of guns." Brittany rolled her eyes at the sarcasm, and mimicked his movements, raising her hands up above her head.

"Identify yourself!" the leader of the soldiers shouted once they came within a few metres.

"I'm the Doctor, and this is Brittany," the Doctor said with a friendly smile. "We were just on our way to a party, and got a little lost..."

"You're a doctor?"

Brittany thought the Doctor seemed a little irritated by the soldier's remark.

"No, not _a_ doctor. _The_ Doctor. Now, if you wouldn't mind..."

"Do you have medical training?" The leader of the group advanced on the pair, weapon raised.

"Well, not officially no, but I do have some handy medical equipment. If you'll just allow me to go and get it, I could help you," the Doctor suggested hopefully, gesturing back at his TARDIS. The lead soldier raised an eyebrow. "Or," the Doctor continued, "we'll come with you peacefully and you can transport our equipment."

The soldier nodded curtly, motioning for a guard to be place around the two time travellers.

"It was worth a try," the Doctor muttered to his companion.

* * *

Sergeant Jake Sampson watched the two prisoners over the security camera. They had been placed into the holding cells while the Sergeant confirmed their stories. The lady, a Brittany Harvey, claimed to be from a planet called Sydoriv. Jake had issued a quick search, and had discovered that the planet in question did exist. On the other hand, their other captive apparently came from Gallifrey – a place that did not exist in any of their extensive databanks.

Jake sighed and checked through the items confiscated from the pair. The Doctor's pockets had produced more stuff that should physically be able to fit in their depths – various pieces of food, currency, novelties and technology had been taken from him. The Sergeant fingered a small silver cylinder of unknown manufacture. Pressing the button, he was rewarded with a blue light and a humming noise. It didn't appear to do very much, so he threw it back on the pile, along with the leather wallet containing blank paper and a yo-yo.

Instead, he opened an audio link to the holding cell so he could listen to what the prisoners were saying.

"This is your fault Doctor! You said we were going to a party."

"We were, but something interfered with the TARDIS and we ended up here."

"You better get us out of here, or my foot will go somewhere you'll wish it hadn't."

The Doctor winced. "There's no need to get violent. The TARDIS is an old model, and easily influenced by outs-"

Jake turned off the camera. The TARDIS must be that strange blue box that had come in with the pair. No one had been able to open the damned thing, and lock picking did not work no matter how hard they tried.

He sighed and activated the intercom.

"Prepare for nightfall," he said simply, before slinging on his greatcoat and leaving the room.


End file.
